I don't even know what to title this post, so I'm just going to write and come back to it! I'm so frustrated, overwhelmed, tired and stressed. I can tell because little things are bothering me and I'm letting everybody know it :) not one of my finer qualities! As I've gone through these last few weeks, things seem to just be building in a "when it rains it pours" kind of way. Definitely not in a terrible way, but just in a stressful way for me. I'm trying to hand these worries over to the Lord, but then the worry creeps back in filling my thoughts and influencing my actions.
I want to trust God with these things, but I get in my own way! I struggle with finding a middle ground when these situations come up. My natural response is to take all the weight upon myself in an effort to spare others and also in an attempt to control the situation (though I hate to admit it). Over time, I've tried to share this weight with Jon as my partner, but it is a struggle. I need him as my teammate, but I don't want to overwhelm him. I want to trust Jon/God to do their part, but I know I can handle things on my own. I want to trust that, even when it is hard, Jon and I are both putting God first and then our family ahead of other activities. We're not meant to, nor do I want to, handle things on our own in marriage or life. All of these thoughts, and others, have left me conflicted in times like this. I'm temporarily patient, attempting to give some of the responsibility to Jon and/or taking it to the Lord in prayer. But then, weeks, days (or minutes!!) pass, and the effort that I've put into trusting, being strong, not worrying, holding my tongue, staying positive, etc., catches up to me, and I, frustrated, impatient or afraid, snatch the worry/task back.
Not only does this lead to others tip-toeing around me, but it also leaves me feeling disappointed in myself. I recognize my pride, my lack of discipline and trust. Why is it so tricky? Time and time again, Jon and God have demonstrated their immense love for me and that they are trustworthy and faithful! Even in typing this, I feel embarrassed that I struggle so much in this way!
So, I guess I just needed to be honest about how real this struggle is for me at this point in life. Maybe this is another attempt to give this imperfection to God by being honest with myself and with others in my life! Remember this song, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDkVQvhZx04? At least in part, it's a good theme for this post. Here's to getting up once again and being thankful that today is a new day to try again!
If you think about it, please pray for any of the following:
-thanksgiving for Caid, his health, sweet spirit and all around awesome addition to our lives!
-for me in any of the areas I highlighted above
-for Jon as he transitions back into work in a week
-for both of us as we continue to adjust to parenthood and work to find balance in work, life, parenthood and marriage
-for situations going on with our house in Grand Rapids
-for situations with the house we rent in KS.
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